Showing comments 329 through 378 out of 378 comments

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
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He only comes once a year

Hubby tells mate my wife's left me she says she's sick me exaggerating. Well I was so blown away I neely tripped over my cock.

At the touch for her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. it was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen....

How many blondes does it take to tie a shoelace?

I don't know. But while you're all down there, can you's please suck my cock.

Guy went to doctors surgery the other day and found out that the new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. He was embarrassed, but she said don't worry I am a professional- Ive seen it all before. Just tell me whats wrong and I'll ckeck it out.
Guy said, my wife thinks that my dick tastes funny.

I love that one.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

Some beauty just requires more beer

Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard.

What?s the bird of wisdom? The owl
What?s the bird of prey? Eagle or hawk or similar
What?s the bird of love? SWALLOW

Paddy says to mock....
Why when they?re scuba diving...they dive backwards off the boat??
Mick replies if they five forward...they?ll be in the boat.,.

how do you circumcise a whale?
4skin divers.

Why is a submarine like a penis?


Its full of seamen

What?s the difference between a gymnastic display and a brothel? One is a cunning display of stunts

If the answer to the answer is
Infatuation cunt.
What would the question be?....







How do you like your chips cooked?

*answer to the question

Why do New Zealand horses run so fast





They saw what you did to the sheep

WOMEN TINDER ADDS
Hello Im Mercedes Im 29 and my Friends say I have a sparkling personality
I have three Beautiful kids..two to two Different fathers age 8 5 and three And Im pregnant ( father to be confirmed)
Im a curvy women with big Breasts (ie kids have suck them dry)
Im a full time mother on welfare
so no leeches please..
And a full time model ( on Instagram and Snapchat)
I still have over half my original teeth left
I enjoy going out on a Friday and Saturday night to get shit face and hope to meet Mr right
So guys only swipe right if you well groomed well educated..work full time and have your own transport and own house
Ps NO Fattys or oldies

Wife and husband are laying in bed

Wife
Look babe bull's can fuck 3000 times a year. What's up with you??

Husband
Ask the Bull if he fucks the same cow every night

Ford Ranger ute has changed name to Ford Clitoris. Cause every cunt has got one

Some can find the ute a bit easier tho haha

Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the piss out of the undies

hhahahahha

2 fleas in a fanny,one is an addict the other a their,how do u tell them apart?

One is hiding in the bush,the other out back sniffing crack

What invisible and smells like bananas.?. ...monkey farts.whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny burps!

What is green and smells of pork
Kermit the frogs finger

What's blue pink blue pink blue pink blue pink white? Grandpa Smurf having a wank.

Drunk man enter subway train and sits next to a priest, he smells of booze has half empty bottle of whiskey sticking out of his pocket his coat is torn and his face covered in lipstick, he pulls out his newspaper and begins reading. After a while he stops and asks the priest what cause arthritis? The priest turns to him and says well my son it's caused by lose living being with cheap wicked women, drinking too much and lack of respect for fellow man. "Well I'll be " the drunk says and then returns to reading his newspaper. After a while the priest nudges the man and says sorry I came on so strong, how long have you had arthritis? I don't the drunk replies I was just reading that the pope has it.
Moral of the story make sure you understand the question before offering an answer.

Guy goes to his doctor wearing only a pair of undies made from "glad wrap" , doctor takes one look at him and says, " i can clearly see your nuts"

An old one but a good one.

Why was they make white chocolate?

So them black kids could get a dirty face too.

What do ya call someone who's fallen out of love with their tractor.




An extractor fan.

If the answer is "what a crock" what would the question be?






What do Asians say when they see big Ben for the first time?

So little Johnny runs into his mums room, and says," mummy mummy I just saw nan get out of the bath and I saw her PRAWN! Mum who is somewhat of a new age hippy says,"Ohh no johnny nanny is a very sensual being at the height of her sexual maturity, what you saw johnny was nans clitoris"!
Johnny looks a little confused and replies," well it tasted like a fuckin prawn"!

A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor - You are visitor , , to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, like beer and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Very true...

A nice calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist looked straight into his eyes and said"I would like to buy some cyanide"
The pharmacist asked "why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, " I need it to poison my husband"
The pharmacist's eye got big and he explained, " Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, thats against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have cyanide!"
The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said " You didn't tell me you had a prescription"

During training for their first parachute jump the group are told the basics. Once you have left the aircraft count off 10 seconds before pulling you ripcord, 10 , etc. If for some reason your chute doesn't release said the instructor pull the emergency cord after again counting out ten seconds. , etc. The instructors' voice took on a serious tone and said, If the emergency cord fails at this stage I suggest you call upon Our Heavenly Father to come to your assistance in getting safely back to earth. If he isn't able to help try calling for Jesus as obviously his Dad is busy. The instructor with a look of sadness then said, If he is busy also, well try any of the other Gods and ask them to hurry as it is almost the end of the line. So when the aeroplane reaches the jump height the first one to jump is a very nervous young Irish lad. Okay Patrick out you go and don't forget what I taught you. Dat I will for sure and into the the roaring wind he jumped. , etc., of course the ripcord did not release his chute! Fuck me , etc he pulled at the emergency cord but the handle broke from the chute again failing to release. Gawd in heaven please p[lease save your faithful servant from this terrible fate! , etc,, Oh my sweet Jesus you died once for me so please save me again! , etc., The large x on the ground was looming closer and faster so in on last futile attempt he tried on what must surely be his last chance. Buddah oh Great one please save me!!! Suddenly a large brown hand appeared through the clouds gently plucking Patrick from the sky and placed him delicately on the ground. Shaking with disbelief and covered in sweat Patrick wiped his brow and exclaimed , Thank Christ for that! Then a large brown foot appeared out of the sky and squashed Patrick into the ground

If you haven?t worked it out The other is a stunning display of??-

What?s the difference between a joke and two dicks?
You can?t take a joke.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.

I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me

Two guys having a quiet beer and discussing normal everyday stuff. Soon their topic was the ups and downs of marriage. First bloke after hearing his friends complaints said "Sorry you are unhappy in your marriage, but I am the luckiest guy in the world! My wife is an Angel!" His mate without hesitation said " Your lucky alright mine's still alive!"

Am Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman say "What's this a joke?"

My Uncle had a stroke last night...I argued at first then let him after a few drinks..surprisingly his hands were very soft..

What do you call a female police officer with a shaven pussy? (Cunt stubble.)

What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?

"Good morning Ladies"

Dam near had a threesome last night!
Just needed 2 more people to join me